Because I’m afraid to do it, and it wouldn’t make sense if I did. I really don’t feel safe today, and haven’t felt safe all day. I’ve been preoccupied with these thoughts and have this awful mixture of pain, sadness, and guilt, all at once. I know I have to stay and tough it out, but knowing that it’s going to be a long time before things get better is a hard burden to bear right now. This is the kind of night I can imagine doing it–if my affairs were sorted, my place wasn’t such a mess, I didn’t have someone special in my life, and I didn’t have so many animals in my care.
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