Because even though I know that I’ve experienced all life has to offer and I don’t want my life to continue like this right now, I know that my cats will end up in a shelter and likely be killed if I kill myself.
Because I don’t want someone to have to tell my little nephew when he grows up that his aunt blew her head off or overdosed or whatever. That would just be so grotesque.
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Because I don’t even have the energy to gather the supplies I’d need, even though I keep most of them near at hand.
I’ve been thinkin’ some bad things, mama,
Dark places to go.
I’ve been listenin’ to shadow whispers.
I’ve been walkin’ that road.
. . . .
I’ve been swimmin’ in the devil’s waters,
I’m goin’ down slow.
I’ve been walkin’ a bad road, baby,
I’ve been walkin’ that road.
~Bill Mumy, “Walkin’ That Road”
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Because I have company and no opportunity to carry out what’s in my mind.
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Because no matter how sad the world seems at times, with overwhelmingly upsetting situations that are out of our control, there are positive things that can be stepping stones through that stream of misery. I found a way to step on them today.
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Because I’m afraid to do it, and it wouldn’t make sense if I did. I really don’t feel safe today, and haven’t felt safe all day. I’ve been preoccupied with these thoughts and have this awful mixture of pain, sadness, and guilt, all at once. I know I have to stay and tough it out, but knowing that it’s going to be a long time before things get better is a hard burden to bear right now. This is the kind of night I can imagine doing it–if my affairs were sorted, my place wasn’t such a mess, I didn’t have someone special in my life, and I didn’t have so many animals in my care.
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Because I know help is out there if I need it.
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Because there’s usually hope for better days, even if I can’t see it or feel it right now.
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